First of all, my family and I are so thankful that Matt was a very devout Catholic; he loved Jesus Christ, God the Father, God the Holy Spirit, and Mother Mary. When Matt was born, I experienced extreme joy; when Matt passed away, I experienced extreme, indescribable pain. I miss him so much every day of my life now. As with many people, Christmas was Matt’s favorite time of year. He loved shopping for his mom, his siblings, for me too. He loved his toys, especially ninja turtles; in that regard, he never grew up, he was a kid, not just at heart, he played like a kid; he was a perpetual child at heart. My regret, I loved him so much, I didn’t say that to him often enough. I wonder if he knew how I loved him more than life itself.

When he was at the hospital, I was asking God fervently to let him pull through, to give me a chance to get closer to him, for me to be able to say everyday – what can I do to ease your pain. Matt suffered from panic, anxiety attacks almost daily and I, my family, prayed to God fervently, constantly to relieve him of his sufferings. But our prayers were bootless cries; my prayers, our prayers were never answered, at least not here on earth.

I read this book entitled Heaven is real. In this book, the pastor and his congregation prayed for his son to make it thru his ordeals and his son lived. Thousands of prayers went up to Heaven for Matt from family and friends, but he didn’t pull through. And I wonder why God didn’t grant our prayers. Maybe then it is not a myth; that when a person is born God has already decided his or her destiny so that when a person prays to God for something and that something is not germane to his or her destiny, God will not grant the prayer.

Today is the 16th of the 11th month of Matt’s passing away. I still feel pain; my heart is broken into million pieces, life for me is just never going to be the same without Matt.

You had a sermon recently father, where your subject said about his predicament not being fair, it isn’t fair. That’s exactly how I feel, Matt’s departure was so soon – it isn’t fair.